Monthly Update

The monthly before and after pictures.  First pictures were taken at 182 lbs. on August 20, second pictures were taken at 169 lbs. on September 24--13 pounds down!!!  The pictures don't show much difference except for maybe in my face.  You almost may notice that I got my hair cut shorter and interestingly in the first pictures I was wearing makeup whereas the second set was after a long day helping at school so no makeup.  What you can't tell is that I'm wearing size 18 jeans in picture 1 and size 14 jeans in picture 2.  

What I should do is take pictures in tighter clothes so it's more obvious, but my mom isn't here often enough and I can't seem to take decent pictures of myself.  It'd be great if I lost another 13 lbs. this month because then I'll officially be less than I've been since before Cupcake was born (I lost a bunch of weight--and then put a bunch of it back on--before I got pregnant with her so I estimate that I was about 155lbs. when I got pregnant).  However, I'm realistic, I'll be happy if I make it to that weight by Thanksgiving!  My October goal is to be 165lbs. by Halloween which seems very realistic.

25 Pounds

Today's weigh in showed 169 lbs. or 26 lbs. lost so far.  I should be jumping for joy--especially since my most recent purchased size 18P are too big and the size 14's fit perfectly.  Instead I spent most of the day depressed.   What's wrong with me?  Am I ever going to feel good enough?

Losing Me

This journey is becoming almost more than I can handle.  I don't understand.  What's wrong with ME?  Why am I not allowed to be happy?  Am I too damaged and I'm going to live like this forever?  Perpetually unhappy, never feeling good enough.  

I didn't have what you'd call a happy childhood.  There wasn't abuse or anything, but I spent majority of my early life struggling with wondering what was so wrong with me that my parents would rather be anywhere else but with me.  Then when I got older I struggled to make and keep friends which compounded to that feeling of never being good enough.

When I met 185 lbs. I was a teenager who was lost and unhappy.  Both my parents were off living their own lives and I had no friends.  So when 185 lbs. came along I was desperate for someone to love me.  

Unfortunately our relationship wasn't one movies are made of (unless they're Made for TV movies about how not to live).  

I spent the majority of the next 16 years putting up with his emotional abuse at most and put downs and contempt at least.  

Then that day in March came.  I thought, finally maybe I can be happy.  Why is it so hard?  Everyone else seems to find happiness so easily.  Even 185 lbs. managed to find happiness in less than a month.  So is it me?  Am I just destined to not be happy?  I try to be happy with what life has given me, but it's too hard.  I feel like everything is all my fault.  It must be me, afterall HE is happier without me so it must be me.  I'm never going to be good enough.  

I'm never going to be happy.

September 11

9/11 is a big day of remembrance.  So many people relive that day and the days that followed.  

September 11, 2001 I had a 3 month old, 3 year old, and 8 year old.  We lived 2 blocks away from where we live now and we had no cable tv.

That's right, I never saw the tv coverage that everyone was talking about (well I saw bits and pieces over the past 7 years, but it wasn't the same).  185 lbs. has always been against tv.  He's not a big tv watcher, really only watches sports, and he had read a book in college about the effects of advertising (interesting coming from he who refuses to buy the off-brand of anything).  He had talked for years about cutting off the cable and only using the tv for videos.  Somehow after the baby was born, I let him convince me to try it out.  We cancelled the cable in June 2001.  

Then 9/11 happened.  I heard about the crash from my mom who called to say that Afghanistan was attacking us.  Since I couldn't see it on tv I had a view that most people never had.  I could look at it from afar.  I still thought it was a horrible tragedy, but it didn't effect me the way it did most.

We reinstated the cable in October 2001 and haven't looked back.  Such a huge event that effected so many people across the country and I feel like our family weren't a part of it (which sounds weird to say, but hopefully you understand what I mean).  Sometimes I compare it to the Oklahoma bombing which I did see on tv and was very effected by (I even named our cat Baylie after the little girl that died in the fireman's arms).

2nd Grade Ramblings

Yesterday was my first day back to school.  No, not that kind of back to school :).

It was my first day back to volunteering in at the elementary school.  

As usual I got there early (most teachers want volunteers at 8:30am, but because I walk the kids to school at 8am it doesn't make sense to leave and come back).  Unfortunately Cupcake's teacher wasn't feeling well and really wasn't ready for me.  She did find some copying for me to do (which while tedious is fun because the production center is always full of life--and while I was at it I made sure to tell a few more people that THE HOUSE is now for sale) and then I took some kids into the hallway to work on spelling.  

It's always interesting to see how different teachers run their classrooms and this one was definitely different.  I couldn't believe how many times the kids were allowed to just get up and walk around the room and I could easily see the kids getting overly rambunctious quickly because they are given a bit more freedom that most classes.  Interestingly the teacher went home an hour after I arrived and the sub was able to keep the kids in their seats and under control for the rest of the time that I was there. 

Don't get me wrong, I love Cupcake's teacher.  She is the really nicest friendly teacher that we've had (I think it's hard for some teachers to not feel like they need to keep a professional distance with the parents).  She just seems  bit disorganized and there is a bit concern that the kids could start getting out of control (I'm all over Cupcake, she is NOT to get into trouble but a few of her friends--especially one of her best friends who was out of her seat more than in and was constantly correcting the other kids and sometimes even the teacher!--that could easily have problems in 3rd grade if they have a stricter teacher).

Next up is helping in the 5th grade next Friday.  In a weird irony Snickerdoodle's teacher was a student of Cupcake's teacher in elementary school--how weird is that?

Weekend Update

Another off-weekend down.  It actually wasn't as long as normal because 185 lbs. mostly hung around his house (across the street) Friday night when his visitation started (because of his close proximity there is sometimes some grey area on this, there has been times when it's "his" time where the kids are actually here).

Saturday was the start of soccer season not to mention cheerleading for the girls.  I felt a bit of satisfaction seeing 185 lbs. run from cheer to soccer game 1 back to cheer and then to soccer game 2 and finally back to cheer (luckily Cupcake was able to go home with a teammate from her soccer game so he didn't have to come back for her).  The games were pretty exciting.  

Afterwards they went to Newport for the rest of the weekend with the Lasagna family (185 lbs. favorite family, the parents barely get along and they have 6 kids--12yo girl, 10yo boy, 8yo girl, 5yo boy, 3yo boy, 2yo girl that our kids like to get into trouble with).  They had fun, I guess and were home at 6pm.

In the meantime, I mostly hung out here on Saturday night and then went shopping with my mom to Justice to buy matching guitar shirts for Cupcake's best friends (the four girls always do an act for the school Variety Show next spring so I'm always looking for something cute that they can all wear--especially since they are not all the same size).  Then we headed to a different mall to have lunch (The Farm--yum!) and to see what Limited Too had (I had coupons to both Justice and Limited Too).

Not an overly exciting weekend, but it did the job of keeping me busy.  Next time I need to start tackling some of the disorganization that is occurring in the kids rooms and especially the garage (where 185 lbs. still has a bunch of furniture as well as other junk that he just won't move).

Labor Day Weekend

Last weekend was my weekend with the kids.  It was great to have a holiday weekend to do something with the kids.  I looked around for things to do with the kids for the long weekend (I HATE crowds) and decided on the Welk Resort in Escondido.  When I did a search for the best hotel pool in California, this was one of the 3 hotels mentioned (the other two, Grand California and Disneyland Hotel both in Anaheim were a lot more expensive, plus Cupcake threw a mini-fit last time we stayed at Disneyland Hotel without going to the park so we'll wait until our annual passes are good to go back).

I grabbed the kids straight from school and we got on the road.  The traffic was a nightmare, but we made it late Friday.  The room was decent with a small room with a king sized bed and tv plus a tiny kitchenette (not even enough room for the food that I brought with us) with a fold out couch and another tv not to mention the bathroom which was decent sized, but didn't have a tub.

Saturday we slept in and then went to lunch at the hotel's restaurant which wasn't anything to talk about.  Afterwards we headed over to the pool area where they were decorating beach bags--Cupcake loved it and we came home with a great souvenir of our trip.  Then we decided to do something spontaneous.  We had passed an outlet mall on the way and decided to see what it had to offer.  Snickerdoodle wasn't thrilled, but the girls loved shopping for new clothes.  We came home with a few things (they had a Pottery Barn Outlet!!) and the kids even got to ride on the little train that drove back and forth down the "mall."  We got back just in time for the "Dive In Movie" which was the movie Over the Hedge.  Cupcake and Snickerdoodle had fun swimming while they watched while Caramel and I read our books (and I finished the first of mine).

Sunday we slept in again and ended up eating in the room.  We headed over to the pool which while cool wasn't quite up to the standards we're used to (my kids love the pools in Vegas and Hawaii which are pretty elaborate).  There was a water slide, but the kids only went once because it wasn't worth the line.  Plus there was a water play area with water squirting up and out.  We stayed long enough for me to fry (the sunscreen didn't go on even, I guess) and then I took Cupcake to create a necklace.  Afterwards we all walked over to another area that had ice cream sundae making.  Yummy!  Then we went back to the room to rest and then headed to Flemings for dinner.  Double Yummy!  

Monday we got up early and packed the car, checked out, and got on the road.  We hit IHOP for breakfast and then drove to my aunt's house in Long Beach.  They took Cupcake and Snickerdoodle kayaking while Caramel and I once again read (I finished book #2).  Then we went back and had a bbq at their house before finally hitting the road to home.  We rolled into town around 9pm and the kids went right to bed.   A nice mini vacation.  I'm already looking forward to what we're going to do for Veteran's Day (interestingly I seem to have a lot of the long weekends, but I guess that's because 185 lbs. started the every other weekend by not having the kids for Memorial Day, so he really can't complain).

The kids have their first soccer games tomorrow.  We have a love/hate with soccer.  The kids love playing, but it really does interrupt us being able to do anything on the weekend.  Next weekend I was going to take the kids somewhere, but soccer eats up most of our Saturdays and Cupcake's going to her 2 best friends birthday party on Sunday.

Starting Over

After hearing that my blog was too bitter (which I'll admit to how I was feeling), I've decided to take a step back and start over.  The rollercoaster is still going fast, but I'm looking forward again.  In retrospect I've become someone that I don't like so I'm going to try to start over and become the person that I want to be and hopefully I can be okay with other people's decisions and how they effect me.

On the diet front, I've now lost 18 lbs. and have moved from being considered obese to just being overweight.  That gives me a boost of self confidence that I really need right now.

August 29 - 13,336 steps

1101 aerobic

526 calories

5.47 miles

August 30 - 9,550 steps

2238 aerobic

339 calories

3.91 miles

August 31 - 5,735 steps

0 aerobic

193 calories

2.35 miles

September 1 - 8,497 steps

0 aerobic

327 calories

3.48 miles

September 2 - 18,795 steps

7167 aerobic

690 calories

7.71 miles

September 3 - 12,127 steps

1685 aerobic

410 calories

4.97 miles

September 4 - 19,244 steps

9280 aerobic

667 calories

7.89 miles

September 5 - 13,721 steps (as of 8:30pm)

1738 aerobic

513 calories

5.63 miles