I didn't have what you'd call a happy childhood. There wasn't abuse or anything, but I spent majority of my early life struggling with wondering what was so wrong with me that my parents would rather be anywhere else but with me. Then when I got older I struggled to make and keep friends which compounded to that feeling of never being good enough.
When I met 185 lbs. I was a teenager who was lost and unhappy. Both my parents were off living their own lives and I had no friends. So when 185 lbs. came along I was desperate for someone to love me.
Unfortunately our relationship wasn't one movies are made of (unless they're Made for TV movies about how not to live).
I spent the majority of the next 16 years putting up with his emotional abuse at most and put downs and contempt at least.
Then that day in March came. I thought, finally maybe I can be happy. Why is it so hard? Everyone else seems to find happiness so easily. Even 185 lbs. managed to find happiness in less than a month. So is it me? Am I just destined to not be happy? I try to be happy with what life has given me, but it's too hard. I feel like everything is all my fault. It must be me, afterall HE is happier without me so it must be me. I'm never going to be good enough.
I'm never going to be happy.
No comments:
Post a Comment