25 Days of Christmas Part 1

I've decided that one of the new traditions I want to start with the kids is to do something holiday related for the 24 days before Christmas.  Today was Day 1:

                                                                   Advent Calendars

Cupcake was so excited about these that she kept asking when we were doing them from the time she got home from school until she mysteriously disappeared to 185 lbs. house for dinner and when she came home I forgot all about it.  

Plus she ended up going to sleep early (she's been going to bed around 8pm and getting up at 6am ever since she got back from her cruise to Italy with 185 lbs. and his girlfriend).  While I can't complain about her new found sleep pattern (she was so NOT a morning person before, there were quite a few arguments about getting up for school in the past), it means that it sometimes throws me off.

So Cupcake and Snickerdoodle will be opening their box tomorrow morning, but Caramel did hers (she couldn't do it tomorrow anyway since she leaves for school at 6:40am and the other two--or at least Snickerdoodle right now--aren't awake at that point).

Where Have You Been?

Okay, that should be--where have I been?  

It's been a crazy month with a lot of ups and downs, but I'm optimistic that things are going to start stabilizing soon.  Only time will tell.

On the weight loss front, I'm at a stand still.  Mostly that's because I've fallen off the wagon.  I've been horrible about watching what I eat (thankfully I haven't gone full throttle like I've done in the past where I eat everything and anything in sight after failing at the diet) and haven't been doing great at the exercise either.  Thankfully I haven't gained any of the weight back, and I'm definitely keeping an eye on the weight to make sure that doesn't happen.  The past couple of days I've had a bit of depression, but I'm hoping that tomorrow will be better and I can get back on track with the eating AND exercising (I did walk 6 miles yesterday).

So to recap as of December 1 I weigh 160 lbs.  No pictures this month either because obviously nothing changed.

Happy Halloween!

1st picture taken at 184 lbs.  2nd picture taken at 160 lbs.

22 lbs. less!

Another whirlwind two weeks and I amazingly met my 2nd mini goal--to be 160 by Halloween!!!!  I'm barely there, 160.8 lbs. this afternoon but close enough for me, especially given that I've been batting the same 2-3 lbs. up and down for the past week or so.  It's been a great weight loss month.

On the subject of the rollercoaster things are going okay.  I've taken myself out of the situation for the most part and that helps immensely.  I am trying my best to think positively (no matter how much I want to think otherwise and no matter how much it hurts me that he does some of what he does) and to co-parent with him the best that I can while also not compromising myself. 

The good news is that I've had something else to poor all my focus into lately.  For my birthday in January, I'm taking the kids to Walt Disney World.  We're all very excited and I've spent the past couple weeks focusing on where we're going to stay, what we're going to eat, what we're going to do...  It has really helped keep my mind positive even when things aren't going the way I want them to.  I can't wait until January and on the weight front, my next goal is to be 145 lbs. or less by the time we leave (that's what I weighed when I got pregnant with Snickerdoodle).  

Mini Goal #1

Whew, it's been an interesting 2 weeks.  On the diet front I met my first mini goal early.  My first goal was to make it to 165 lbs. (which sadly enough is what I weighed 9 months pregnant with Caramel) by Halloween.  As of today I'm 163 lbs.!!!  So now I've changed my goal to be 160 lbs. by Halloween instead (35 lbs. total loss).

On the rollercoaster front, things got a lot worse before they got a lot better.  To sum it all up, 185 lbs. decided to have HER spend the night on his birthday weekend (after he had been giving me the impression for the previous 2 weeks that we were working on our relationship).  I had a mini breakdown because of it.  We've moved on though.  We're no longer working on our relationship and I'm trying hard to move on which so far is working pretty well.  It helps that the more than I find out about HER the more I've lost some of my jealousy of HER (which I'll admit was making things worse for me, my self esteem was horrible and it was made worse by thinking he'd met the perfect woman--but I found that she's definitely not the perfect woman and I'd rather she not even have any influence over my kids because we obviously have different values).  

I'm looking forward pretty optimistically which has been helped by my being almost half way to goal and I can only think it can't possibly get worse than it has been the past couple months.

Plateau and a Look Back

It's been a tough couple weeks weight wise.  I've been bouncing the same 2 - 3lbs. up and down and have been having a hard time sticking with my eating plan as well.  Thankfully I was able to climb back on yesterday and have been doing pretty good today (although I did eat 1 BBQ potato chip a few minutes ago and it was so good!).  

Tuesday I took Caramel to Disneyland for the day.  We had so much fun and boy we walked a ton. Of course I made up for all the walking by eating clam chowder in a bread bowl for lunch at the pier in California Adventure and then having the yummy buffet at Storyteller's Cafe.  Amazingly I walked 29,748 steps; 5,207 of those were aerobic; burned 1048 calories, and 12.2 miles that day!!  I plan on taking Cupcake next Tuesday (Caramel had Monday and Tuesday off, so I felt a little guilty that Cupcake who LOVES Disney didn't get to go so I'm planning on taking her out of school early--Snickerdoodle isn't that big of a Disney fan).

I was looking at my Spark People account today and found out some interesting things.  I signed on to sparkpeople in January of this year, but it wasn't the right time for me.  185 lbs. and I were having problems (actually at that point we were pretty much indifferent to each other--we barely acknowledged the other person) and not long after is when he started going clubbing and signed onto the various online dating sites.  So I did the initial set up and then didn't sign on again.  So this morning I signed on to enter in some nutritional information (I was trying to find out how many calories the soup I'm making for dinner would be) and saw this:

LAST ENTRY

Weigh yourself:  193 lbs.  1/17/08  (currently 170 lbs.)

Measure your waist:  43.5"  1/17/08  (currently 39")

Measure your hips:  50"  1/17/08  (currently 44")

Measure your neck:  15"  1/17/08 (currently 13.5")

So since January I've lost 23 lbs. (of course all of those happened in the past 2.5 months), lost over 4 inches from my waist, 6 inches from my hips, and over 1 inch from my neck.  

Monthly Update

The monthly before and after pictures.  First pictures were taken at 182 lbs. on August 20, second pictures were taken at 169 lbs. on September 24--13 pounds down!!!  The pictures don't show much difference except for maybe in my face.  You almost may notice that I got my hair cut shorter and interestingly in the first pictures I was wearing makeup whereas the second set was after a long day helping at school so no makeup.  What you can't tell is that I'm wearing size 18 jeans in picture 1 and size 14 jeans in picture 2.  

What I should do is take pictures in tighter clothes so it's more obvious, but my mom isn't here often enough and I can't seem to take decent pictures of myself.  It'd be great if I lost another 13 lbs. this month because then I'll officially be less than I've been since before Cupcake was born (I lost a bunch of weight--and then put a bunch of it back on--before I got pregnant with her so I estimate that I was about 155lbs. when I got pregnant).  However, I'm realistic, I'll be happy if I make it to that weight by Thanksgiving!  My October goal is to be 165lbs. by Halloween which seems very realistic.

25 Pounds

Today's weigh in showed 169 lbs. or 26 lbs. lost so far.  I should be jumping for joy--especially since my most recent purchased size 18P are too big and the size 14's fit perfectly.  Instead I spent most of the day depressed.   What's wrong with me?  Am I ever going to feel good enough?

Losing Me

This journey is becoming almost more than I can handle.  I don't understand.  What's wrong with ME?  Why am I not allowed to be happy?  Am I too damaged and I'm going to live like this forever?  Perpetually unhappy, never feeling good enough.  

I didn't have what you'd call a happy childhood.  There wasn't abuse or anything, but I spent majority of my early life struggling with wondering what was so wrong with me that my parents would rather be anywhere else but with me.  Then when I got older I struggled to make and keep friends which compounded to that feeling of never being good enough.

When I met 185 lbs. I was a teenager who was lost and unhappy.  Both my parents were off living their own lives and I had no friends.  So when 185 lbs. came along I was desperate for someone to love me.  

Unfortunately our relationship wasn't one movies are made of (unless they're Made for TV movies about how not to live).  

I spent the majority of the next 16 years putting up with his emotional abuse at most and put downs and contempt at least.  

Then that day in March came.  I thought, finally maybe I can be happy.  Why is it so hard?  Everyone else seems to find happiness so easily.  Even 185 lbs. managed to find happiness in less than a month.  So is it me?  Am I just destined to not be happy?  I try to be happy with what life has given me, but it's too hard.  I feel like everything is all my fault.  It must be me, afterall HE is happier without me so it must be me.  I'm never going to be good enough.  

I'm never going to be happy.

September 11

9/11 is a big day of remembrance.  So many people relive that day and the days that followed.  

September 11, 2001 I had a 3 month old, 3 year old, and 8 year old.  We lived 2 blocks away from where we live now and we had no cable tv.

That's right, I never saw the tv coverage that everyone was talking about (well I saw bits and pieces over the past 7 years, but it wasn't the same).  185 lbs. has always been against tv.  He's not a big tv watcher, really only watches sports, and he had read a book in college about the effects of advertising (interesting coming from he who refuses to buy the off-brand of anything).  He had talked for years about cutting off the cable and only using the tv for videos.  Somehow after the baby was born, I let him convince me to try it out.  We cancelled the cable in June 2001.  

Then 9/11 happened.  I heard about the crash from my mom who called to say that Afghanistan was attacking us.  Since I couldn't see it on tv I had a view that most people never had.  I could look at it from afar.  I still thought it was a horrible tragedy, but it didn't effect me the way it did most.

We reinstated the cable in October 2001 and haven't looked back.  Such a huge event that effected so many people across the country and I feel like our family weren't a part of it (which sounds weird to say, but hopefully you understand what I mean).  Sometimes I compare it to the Oklahoma bombing which I did see on tv and was very effected by (I even named our cat Baylie after the little girl that died in the fireman's arms).

2nd Grade Ramblings

Yesterday was my first day back to school.  No, not that kind of back to school :).

It was my first day back to volunteering in at the elementary school.  

As usual I got there early (most teachers want volunteers at 8:30am, but because I walk the kids to school at 8am it doesn't make sense to leave and come back).  Unfortunately Cupcake's teacher wasn't feeling well and really wasn't ready for me.  She did find some copying for me to do (which while tedious is fun because the production center is always full of life--and while I was at it I made sure to tell a few more people that THE HOUSE is now for sale) and then I took some kids into the hallway to work on spelling.  

It's always interesting to see how different teachers run their classrooms and this one was definitely different.  I couldn't believe how many times the kids were allowed to just get up and walk around the room and I could easily see the kids getting overly rambunctious quickly because they are given a bit more freedom that most classes.  Interestingly the teacher went home an hour after I arrived and the sub was able to keep the kids in their seats and under control for the rest of the time that I was there. 

Don't get me wrong, I love Cupcake's teacher.  She is the really nicest friendly teacher that we've had (I think it's hard for some teachers to not feel like they need to keep a professional distance with the parents).  She just seems  bit disorganized and there is a bit concern that the kids could start getting out of control (I'm all over Cupcake, she is NOT to get into trouble but a few of her friends--especially one of her best friends who was out of her seat more than in and was constantly correcting the other kids and sometimes even the teacher!--that could easily have problems in 3rd grade if they have a stricter teacher).

Next up is helping in the 5th grade next Friday.  In a weird irony Snickerdoodle's teacher was a student of Cupcake's teacher in elementary school--how weird is that?

Weekend Update

Another off-weekend down.  It actually wasn't as long as normal because 185 lbs. mostly hung around his house (across the street) Friday night when his visitation started (because of his close proximity there is sometimes some grey area on this, there has been times when it's "his" time where the kids are actually here).

Saturday was the start of soccer season not to mention cheerleading for the girls.  I felt a bit of satisfaction seeing 185 lbs. run from cheer to soccer game 1 back to cheer and then to soccer game 2 and finally back to cheer (luckily Cupcake was able to go home with a teammate from her soccer game so he didn't have to come back for her).  The games were pretty exciting.  

Afterwards they went to Newport for the rest of the weekend with the Lasagna family (185 lbs. favorite family, the parents barely get along and they have 6 kids--12yo girl, 10yo boy, 8yo girl, 5yo boy, 3yo boy, 2yo girl that our kids like to get into trouble with).  They had fun, I guess and were home at 6pm.

In the meantime, I mostly hung out here on Saturday night and then went shopping with my mom to Justice to buy matching guitar shirts for Cupcake's best friends (the four girls always do an act for the school Variety Show next spring so I'm always looking for something cute that they can all wear--especially since they are not all the same size).  Then we headed to a different mall to have lunch (The Farm--yum!) and to see what Limited Too had (I had coupons to both Justice and Limited Too).

Not an overly exciting weekend, but it did the job of keeping me busy.  Next time I need to start tackling some of the disorganization that is occurring in the kids rooms and especially the garage (where 185 lbs. still has a bunch of furniture as well as other junk that he just won't move).

Labor Day Weekend

Last weekend was my weekend with the kids.  It was great to have a holiday weekend to do something with the kids.  I looked around for things to do with the kids for the long weekend (I HATE crowds) and decided on the Welk Resort in Escondido.  When I did a search for the best hotel pool in California, this was one of the 3 hotels mentioned (the other two, Grand California and Disneyland Hotel both in Anaheim were a lot more expensive, plus Cupcake threw a mini-fit last time we stayed at Disneyland Hotel without going to the park so we'll wait until our annual passes are good to go back).

I grabbed the kids straight from school and we got on the road.  The traffic was a nightmare, but we made it late Friday.  The room was decent with a small room with a king sized bed and tv plus a tiny kitchenette (not even enough room for the food that I brought with us) with a fold out couch and another tv not to mention the bathroom which was decent sized, but didn't have a tub.

Saturday we slept in and then went to lunch at the hotel's restaurant which wasn't anything to talk about.  Afterwards we headed over to the pool area where they were decorating beach bags--Cupcake loved it and we came home with a great souvenir of our trip.  Then we decided to do something spontaneous.  We had passed an outlet mall on the way and decided to see what it had to offer.  Snickerdoodle wasn't thrilled, but the girls loved shopping for new clothes.  We came home with a few things (they had a Pottery Barn Outlet!!) and the kids even got to ride on the little train that drove back and forth down the "mall."  We got back just in time for the "Dive In Movie" which was the movie Over the Hedge.  Cupcake and Snickerdoodle had fun swimming while they watched while Caramel and I read our books (and I finished the first of mine).

Sunday we slept in again and ended up eating in the room.  We headed over to the pool which while cool wasn't quite up to the standards we're used to (my kids love the pools in Vegas and Hawaii which are pretty elaborate).  There was a water slide, but the kids only went once because it wasn't worth the line.  Plus there was a water play area with water squirting up and out.  We stayed long enough for me to fry (the sunscreen didn't go on even, I guess) and then I took Cupcake to create a necklace.  Afterwards we all walked over to another area that had ice cream sundae making.  Yummy!  Then we went back to the room to rest and then headed to Flemings for dinner.  Double Yummy!  

Monday we got up early and packed the car, checked out, and got on the road.  We hit IHOP for breakfast and then drove to my aunt's house in Long Beach.  They took Cupcake and Snickerdoodle kayaking while Caramel and I once again read (I finished book #2).  Then we went back and had a bbq at their house before finally hitting the road to home.  We rolled into town around 9pm and the kids went right to bed.   A nice mini vacation.  I'm already looking forward to what we're going to do for Veteran's Day (interestingly I seem to have a lot of the long weekends, but I guess that's because 185 lbs. started the every other weekend by not having the kids for Memorial Day, so he really can't complain).

The kids have their first soccer games tomorrow.  We have a love/hate with soccer.  The kids love playing, but it really does interrupt us being able to do anything on the weekend.  Next weekend I was going to take the kids somewhere, but soccer eats up most of our Saturdays and Cupcake's going to her 2 best friends birthday party on Sunday.

Starting Over

After hearing that my blog was too bitter (which I'll admit to how I was feeling), I've decided to take a step back and start over.  The rollercoaster is still going fast, but I'm looking forward again.  In retrospect I've become someone that I don't like so I'm going to try to start over and become the person that I want to be and hopefully I can be okay with other people's decisions and how they effect me.

On the diet front, I've now lost 18 lbs. and have moved from being considered obese to just being overweight.  That gives me a boost of self confidence that I really need right now.

August 29 - 13,336 steps

1101 aerobic

526 calories

5.47 miles

August 30 - 9,550 steps

2238 aerobic

339 calories

3.91 miles

August 31 - 5,735 steps

0 aerobic

193 calories

2.35 miles

September 1 - 8,497 steps

0 aerobic

327 calories

3.48 miles

September 2 - 18,795 steps

7167 aerobic

690 calories

7.71 miles

September 3 - 12,127 steps

1685 aerobic

410 calories

4.97 miles

September 4 - 19,244 steps

9280 aerobic

667 calories

7.89 miles

September 5 - 13,721 steps (as of 8:30pm)

1738 aerobic

513 calories

5.63 miles

Weekend Loneliness

I always wonder if the weekends will get any easier.  

Today started 185 lbs. weekend with the kids.  I'm always amazed at how lonely I get and how much I miss them when they're gone now.  185 lbs. used to take the kids out of town all the time when we were together and I relished in the alone time--even looked forward to it.  Now I dread it and can't wait for it to be over.

Unfortunately I don't have a lot of single friends.  I live in the middle of "perfect town."  Almost every house has two Caucasian married Christian (high percentage of those Mormon) couples with at least 2 children.  Most of the dads are the typical dad who's around when needed, but is mostly working.  The moms are mostly blonde, beautiful stay-at-home moms and the kids are dressed in their designer clothes and are expected to look and act perfect.

The few single friends I have, one is a single mom of Cupcake's best friend.  She has limited contact with M's dad and has full custody (meaning he doesn't even have visitation rights) not to mention a job that requires her to work pretty much every weekend.  The other friend is the mom of Snickerdoodle's best friend and her situation is semi-similar except that she works crazy days/nights and I'll admit that she's hard to socialize with right now because she had a pretty messy divorce which left her bitter--5 years later.

I guess I need to find a hobby (besides photography, scrapbooking, reading...) which will help me take my mind off the loneliness.  Any ideas?

Running Update - I failed miserably today.  I took all the kids to school and then attempted to run at 8am.  I ran out of steam really early--I only lasted one set of 60 seconds--and then there were so many people around (which we all know I hate running in front of people because it's embarrassing that I can't even run for 60 seconds) that I ended up calling it quits halfway through the program.  I did walk the rest of the path so I covered the same distance I just didn't get the run part of it.  Now I don't know what to do.  I can honestly say that I still hate running.  

August 21 - 19,538 steps

9,409 aerobic

693 calories

8.01 miles

Chaos

Today was definitely a day where I missed having 185 lbs. around.  It started innocently enough with the kids going to school and then it was time for me to pick up Cupcake.  Soon after Snickerdoodle came home and then we ran off to pick up Caramel.  Then we ran back home and got ready for soccer practice.

That's right two practices at almost the same time.  So we piled into the car and dropped Snickerdoodle off at Park A for his practice from 4-5:30pm then Cupcake and I ran to the car wash (I keep saying I'm going to go to the handwash and never make it so it was another trip to the drive through) before dropping her off at Park B for her practice from 5:00-6:00pm.  I had just enough time to make sure that one of her friends mom's would keep an eye on her (I don't love dropping off a 7yo, but I had little choice) then I ran back to Park A to pick up Snickerdoodle (and I hoped to run into one of the mom's from HIS team to see if we could start carpooling, but I missed her).  Then we ran back over to Park B where Cupcake's practice was wrapping up.  It was crazy.  I'm hoping to get a carpool going with Snickerdoodle which will help immensely (and he practices twice a week so will save some gas as well).

It would be nice if 185 lbs. would help out with some of this, but unfortunately he's wrapped up in his own life right now.  The good news though is that he replaced my water heater which spontaneously started leaking today.  He has some redeeming qualities.

Just a Bit More

Even though this blog is mainly to keep myself on track with the weight and to vent my feelings about the rollercoaster (aka divorce).  I will probably blog about other topics as well, whatever is on my mind for the moment:  tv shows, movies, books I've read, news, entertainment, and yes maybe even some venting about other personal stuff.

For now though I thought I'd post the last 5 days worth of pedometer information:

August 15 - 12, 019 steps (I only started at 4pm that day)

8,854 of those were aerobic (walk more than 60 steps per min. or for more than 10 min. continuously)

432 calories burned

4.93 miles

August 16 - 12,075 steps

2,463 aerobic

489 calories

4.95 miles

August 17 - 16,089 steps

9,782 aerobic

586 calories

6.6 miles

August 18 - 16, 871 steps

8,591 aerobic

601 calories

6.92 miles

August 19 - 10,330 steps

1,918 aerobic

381 calories

4.23 miles

August 20 - 20, 515 steps (as of 9pm)  

10,821 aerobic

759 calories

8.41 miles 

We'll see how it goes tomorrow.  It's an off day for running (and fwiw although I was sore when I woke up this morning, I'm actually doing pretty good right now as long as I don't walk upstairs :) ).

A New Me

After all the ups and downs and the past few months, I decided to take on something else that I've been putting off for awhile.

My Weight.  In June I started to walk on the treadmill and continued throughout the summer--I even visited the Fitness Centers at the various hotels we stayed at while on vacation, unheard of for me.  At the beginning of August I added in a change in my diet.  I'm trying to eat healthier while also keep up with the exercise.

At the top of the rollercoaster looking down.

  Memorial Day Weekend 2008

195 lbs. 

Kind of scary to even put that out there, but I think it will help me to have it out there and hopefully it was also help me keep on task no matter how horrible this rollercoaster ride becomes.  Not a very flattering picture either, but I don't have many of just me from that time period (I take the pictures not the other way around).

Monday, August 18 started a new journey.  I'm trying the Couch to 5K program that I've been hearing about online for a while.  Given that I was never a runner (even at 100 lbs. in high school I HATED running), I'm not overly optimistic but I'm willing to give it a try (and it probably helps that SHE is a skinny blonde marathon runner--way to make me feel inadequate).  

So week 1 is 60 seconds of running with 90 seconds of walking, 3 times a week with a day in between each run.  I made it through maybe half the program (which is 30 minutes long) on Monday before I couldn't run the full 60 seconds.  I did walk the rest of the way (I'd run as long as I could and then walk the rest).  Today was day 2 and I made it maybe 3/4 through the program and was running slightly longer than Monday.  I'm hating it, but I'm determined to give it a fighting chance.  We'll see how Friday goes.  I need to find another time to do it too.  Monday I did it after taking the kids to school so started running at about 9am which was too hot and too many people around to feel comfortable running (which makes it even harder to keep going).  Today Caramel (the 15yo) had a reverse minimum day which meant she started school at 10am, so I was able to start running at 6:15am (Caramel starts school at 7am usually so that's why I don't do it then every day).  It was much cooler and there were a bunch less people around which helped considerably, but I can't do it at that time on a normal day (we need to leave by 6:30 to get Caramel to school on time) and I don't think I can drag myself out of bed at 5am.

Keep trying though.  Here's the results of my hard work:

Riding the Coaster trying not to puke

August 20, 2008

182 lbs.

I don't know if you can even see a difference or not.  I do know that I'm down at least 1 pants size (I had to go out and buy new jeans because my old pairs were falling off when I walked and I bought two pairs one the same size as my previous pair, but in petites which is usually about a size smaller and one 2 sizes less!) and 13 lbs. lighter.  Shirts that were starting to get tight on me now fit better (that you can't see because my shirts are mostly loose) and my face is definitely thinner.  The bad news is that I'm probably down at least one bra size (I'm NOT big there ever, so it's frustrating to have it be the first thing to go).

A New Blog for a New Me

I'm on a journey. A journey to find myself and improve who I am--physically and mentally.

Part 1 of my journey has been to lose 185 lbs.

This has been the hardest 185 lbs. to lose in my life.  It has taken 16 years, 3 children, some happiness, but a lot of tears.

After 15 years of marriage the past 5 months of losing those 185 lbs. has been a rollercoaster ride that I wish I never had to get on.  

Starting in March when I was encouraged to get on the ride with the idea that both of us would be happier.  I was optimistic, after all we didn't have a love affair that movies are made of (more like a self help book description of what to avoid in a relationship).  

The coaster started off gently enough with some nerves on my part about what life would be like alone and worrying about how the finances would work (with 3 kids 15, 10, and 7 and being a part time bookkeeper/sahm it was a bit terrifying to think about sometimes).

In April we started to get closer to the top of the hill with the 185 lbs. leaving Easter with our family to go on a date (one of many I found out later).

May started the speed down the first hill with the 185 lbs. finally moving out of the house (I told him that it was unacceptable that he date while living in the house, but he translated that into he couldn't date in town).  After the initial shock I was a bit excited about looking forward, once again optimistic even.  

And then it happened--Memorial Weekend.  I found out that he was going away with one of the women who was now his girlfriend to Vegas.  That was the beginning of the twists and turns that began.  185 lbs. went from being a great father to blowing his kids off and almost not spending Father's Day with them because he was spending it with her.  I found out later that he introduced our 10yo to her BEFORE we even told the kids we were separating and then introduced our 7yo to her a week after moving out.

The ride was getting too fast and I could hardly breathe.  And so we get to today.  I'm doing my best to not go crazy knowing that I don't have control of the rollercoaster.  I've gotten to the point where I need to take it hill by hill, day by day and I will survive.