Weekend Loneliness

I always wonder if the weekends will get any easier.  

Today started 185 lbs. weekend with the kids.  I'm always amazed at how lonely I get and how much I miss them when they're gone now.  185 lbs. used to take the kids out of town all the time when we were together and I relished in the alone time--even looked forward to it.  Now I dread it and can't wait for it to be over.

Unfortunately I don't have a lot of single friends.  I live in the middle of "perfect town."  Almost every house has two Caucasian married Christian (high percentage of those Mormon) couples with at least 2 children.  Most of the dads are the typical dad who's around when needed, but is mostly working.  The moms are mostly blonde, beautiful stay-at-home moms and the kids are dressed in their designer clothes and are expected to look and act perfect.

The few single friends I have, one is a single mom of Cupcake's best friend.  She has limited contact with M's dad and has full custody (meaning he doesn't even have visitation rights) not to mention a job that requires her to work pretty much every weekend.  The other friend is the mom of Snickerdoodle's best friend and her situation is semi-similar except that she works crazy days/nights and I'll admit that she's hard to socialize with right now because she had a pretty messy divorce which left her bitter--5 years later.

I guess I need to find a hobby (besides photography, scrapbooking, reading...) which will help me take my mind off the loneliness.  Any ideas?

Running Update - I failed miserably today.  I took all the kids to school and then attempted to run at 8am.  I ran out of steam really early--I only lasted one set of 60 seconds--and then there were so many people around (which we all know I hate running in front of people because it's embarrassing that I can't even run for 60 seconds) that I ended up calling it quits halfway through the program.  I did walk the rest of the path so I covered the same distance I just didn't get the run part of it.  Now I don't know what to do.  I can honestly say that I still hate running.  

August 21 - 19,538 steps

9,409 aerobic

693 calories

8.01 miles

Chaos

Today was definitely a day where I missed having 185 lbs. around.  It started innocently enough with the kids going to school and then it was time for me to pick up Cupcake.  Soon after Snickerdoodle came home and then we ran off to pick up Caramel.  Then we ran back home and got ready for soccer practice.

That's right two practices at almost the same time.  So we piled into the car and dropped Snickerdoodle off at Park A for his practice from 4-5:30pm then Cupcake and I ran to the car wash (I keep saying I'm going to go to the handwash and never make it so it was another trip to the drive through) before dropping her off at Park B for her practice from 5:00-6:00pm.  I had just enough time to make sure that one of her friends mom's would keep an eye on her (I don't love dropping off a 7yo, but I had little choice) then I ran back to Park A to pick up Snickerdoodle (and I hoped to run into one of the mom's from HIS team to see if we could start carpooling, but I missed her).  Then we ran back over to Park B where Cupcake's practice was wrapping up.  It was crazy.  I'm hoping to get a carpool going with Snickerdoodle which will help immensely (and he practices twice a week so will save some gas as well).

It would be nice if 185 lbs. would help out with some of this, but unfortunately he's wrapped up in his own life right now.  The good news though is that he replaced my water heater which spontaneously started leaking today.  He has some redeeming qualities.

Just a Bit More

Even though this blog is mainly to keep myself on track with the weight and to vent my feelings about the rollercoaster (aka divorce).  I will probably blog about other topics as well, whatever is on my mind for the moment:  tv shows, movies, books I've read, news, entertainment, and yes maybe even some venting about other personal stuff.

For now though I thought I'd post the last 5 days worth of pedometer information:

August 15 - 12, 019 steps (I only started at 4pm that day)

8,854 of those were aerobic (walk more than 60 steps per min. or for more than 10 min. continuously)

432 calories burned

4.93 miles

August 16 - 12,075 steps

2,463 aerobic

489 calories

4.95 miles

August 17 - 16,089 steps

9,782 aerobic

586 calories

6.6 miles

August 18 - 16, 871 steps

8,591 aerobic

601 calories

6.92 miles

August 19 - 10,330 steps

1,918 aerobic

381 calories

4.23 miles

August 20 - 20, 515 steps (as of 9pm)  

10,821 aerobic

759 calories

8.41 miles 

We'll see how it goes tomorrow.  It's an off day for running (and fwiw although I was sore when I woke up this morning, I'm actually doing pretty good right now as long as I don't walk upstairs :) ).

A New Me

After all the ups and downs and the past few months, I decided to take on something else that I've been putting off for awhile.

My Weight.  In June I started to walk on the treadmill and continued throughout the summer--I even visited the Fitness Centers at the various hotels we stayed at while on vacation, unheard of for me.  At the beginning of August I added in a change in my diet.  I'm trying to eat healthier while also keep up with the exercise.

At the top of the rollercoaster looking down.

  Memorial Day Weekend 2008

195 lbs. 

Kind of scary to even put that out there, but I think it will help me to have it out there and hopefully it was also help me keep on task no matter how horrible this rollercoaster ride becomes.  Not a very flattering picture either, but I don't have many of just me from that time period (I take the pictures not the other way around).

Monday, August 18 started a new journey.  I'm trying the Couch to 5K program that I've been hearing about online for a while.  Given that I was never a runner (even at 100 lbs. in high school I HATED running), I'm not overly optimistic but I'm willing to give it a try (and it probably helps that SHE is a skinny blonde marathon runner--way to make me feel inadequate).  

So week 1 is 60 seconds of running with 90 seconds of walking, 3 times a week with a day in between each run.  I made it through maybe half the program (which is 30 minutes long) on Monday before I couldn't run the full 60 seconds.  I did walk the rest of the way (I'd run as long as I could and then walk the rest).  Today was day 2 and I made it maybe 3/4 through the program and was running slightly longer than Monday.  I'm hating it, but I'm determined to give it a fighting chance.  We'll see how Friday goes.  I need to find another time to do it too.  Monday I did it after taking the kids to school so started running at about 9am which was too hot and too many people around to feel comfortable running (which makes it even harder to keep going).  Today Caramel (the 15yo) had a reverse minimum day which meant she started school at 10am, so I was able to start running at 6:15am (Caramel starts school at 7am usually so that's why I don't do it then every day).  It was much cooler and there were a bunch less people around which helped considerably, but I can't do it at that time on a normal day (we need to leave by 6:30 to get Caramel to school on time) and I don't think I can drag myself out of bed at 5am.

Keep trying though.  Here's the results of my hard work:

Riding the Coaster trying not to puke

August 20, 2008

182 lbs.

I don't know if you can even see a difference or not.  I do know that I'm down at least 1 pants size (I had to go out and buy new jeans because my old pairs were falling off when I walked and I bought two pairs one the same size as my previous pair, but in petites which is usually about a size smaller and one 2 sizes less!) and 13 lbs. lighter.  Shirts that were starting to get tight on me now fit better (that you can't see because my shirts are mostly loose) and my face is definitely thinner.  The bad news is that I'm probably down at least one bra size (I'm NOT big there ever, so it's frustrating to have it be the first thing to go).

A New Blog for a New Me

I'm on a journey. A journey to find myself and improve who I am--physically and mentally.

Part 1 of my journey has been to lose 185 lbs.

This has been the hardest 185 lbs. to lose in my life.  It has taken 16 years, 3 children, some happiness, but a lot of tears.

After 15 years of marriage the past 5 months of losing those 185 lbs. has been a rollercoaster ride that I wish I never had to get on.  

Starting in March when I was encouraged to get on the ride with the idea that both of us would be happier.  I was optimistic, after all we didn't have a love affair that movies are made of (more like a self help book description of what to avoid in a relationship).  

The coaster started off gently enough with some nerves on my part about what life would be like alone and worrying about how the finances would work (with 3 kids 15, 10, and 7 and being a part time bookkeeper/sahm it was a bit terrifying to think about sometimes).

In April we started to get closer to the top of the hill with the 185 lbs. leaving Easter with our family to go on a date (one of many I found out later).

May started the speed down the first hill with the 185 lbs. finally moving out of the house (I told him that it was unacceptable that he date while living in the house, but he translated that into he couldn't date in town).  After the initial shock I was a bit excited about looking forward, once again optimistic even.  

And then it happened--Memorial Weekend.  I found out that he was going away with one of the women who was now his girlfriend to Vegas.  That was the beginning of the twists and turns that began.  185 lbs. went from being a great father to blowing his kids off and almost not spending Father's Day with them because he was spending it with her.  I found out later that he introduced our 10yo to her BEFORE we even told the kids we were separating and then introduced our 7yo to her a week after moving out.

The ride was getting too fast and I could hardly breathe.  And so we get to today.  I'm doing my best to not go crazy knowing that I don't have control of the rollercoaster.  I've gotten to the point where I need to take it hill by hill, day by day and I will survive.